Since returning home from spending a year abroad in Korea, I
have never felt more lost in my path of life than ever. I haven’t felt this
lost since the day I graduated high school. Sure, I knew I had things to look
forward to post graduation such as my first international trip abroad to Kenya
and college in the fall; new friends, new experiences, and new learning
opportunities. These exciting things on my agenda shouldn’t have
brought a feeling of hopelessness or doubts in my autonomy but it did [or should it have,
according to the ways we psychologically develop through life?]. I digress. I'm back at that point. Who am I? Where am I going? What is life?
The long-winded point is that I am once again stuck at a
crossroad. Many [normally developing] people will have one or two crossroads
before them, but my [abnormal] crossroad looks like a pot of spaghetti. SO MANY DREAMS, HOW DO I CHOOSE JUST ONE?! I am a
dreamer, folks.
I once used to think I possessed this uncanny ability to
logically and realistically think about the world [even though I was horrible
at math in high school] and make concrete decisions about my life. However, as
I progress further towards adulthood, I’m somewhat alarmed by my decreased
function in making decisions quickly or concretely. Instead, I will battle a
decision and over-analyze every outcome until I’ve made my choice. Or, I will
merely run away towards a new goal. I
know, very mature, but this is what I am constantly faced with: indecision and
running. Regardless, I feel frustrated. Stuck. Lost. Clueless. I have so many
dreams in my head; I just can’t seem to pick the “one,” for me and begin a path
towards mental, emotional, or social enlightenment per se. I can barely date a
guy, y’all, let alone pick my own future.
I am faced with the ever-frightening illusion [thanks
social-media] that my peers and tomorrow’s youth have their cookie-cutter lives
“figured out”; they are ready to put their dreams into the oven and wait for
their tasty magical future to bring ultimate satisfaction. You are probably
thinking, “Oh shut UP, already. You are merely going on 29, you have your
entire life to figure out.” I will allow you to mock my [hopefully normal] fears, however, your mockery or even reassurance that I’m not crazy will not
stop the thoughts from exploding in my head.
It’s an ever-losing battle I face. Mind-blown.
My lack of content long-term does not mean I can’t find joy in the
temporary journey. Sure, I may not have a “grown-up,” career like many of you
sitting at your desks right now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find goodness or
fulfillment in what I’m doing at the moment. I just simply struggle with the
future, or “commitment” if you will humor me, and cannot push back the thoughts
of, “Is this what I really want to do for the rest of my life?? Are you sure
you want to be a nanny? Are you sure you want to be a photographer full-time?
Are you sure you want to teach English abroad? Are you sure you don’t want to
go back to school and rewrite your future? Perhaps try your hand at business?
Management?
Math?"
(Ha! FOOLED YOU, I hate math). Or, I could just go back to my original 5 yr.
old self and be a whale-trainer. No way, I saw that documentary. My odds are
better as a ballerina.
The constant question that ever rumbles [ SO loudly] in my head,
“ARE YOU SURE?!” My thoughts often resemble a very needy and overly attached
significant other. We’ve all been there… "HI. HOW ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY? TAKE ME WITH YOU? OMG, WHAT’S
WRONG?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!!!!" [Enter
incessant whining here]
You know exactly what I’m talking about [looking at you
ladies, too]. That’s my brain. It’s very similar to the old-school anti-drug
commercial they used to filtrate our brains with in school. The one where they
crack an egg into a pan and try to scare you that your brain changes when it’s
on drugs; “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs…. Sizzle…….”
Except, this is your brain.... this is your brain with no life path or determined future.....sizzle. Or better yet, WITH BACON.
Ladies and gentleman, enough digression from the fact: I will
be jobless once again in June and I don’t know what to do next. I thought I
“had” my life figured out post-Korea: move to Chicago with Korea friend. Get
job. Go to mountain school [NOLS]. Find a career leading expeditions and travel
the world for the rest of my life. Live happily ever after. Beautiful!
Well, hate to say 2 months into
my plan, but I’ve already hit a roadblock. My body has decided other plans for
me by throwing itself into a state of ailments. Ailments: 1) my kidneys and 2)
my knees. While I could go on and bore you to death with the details, I won’t
because a)it’s still personal and b)I’m still coping. The problem is that my
body is not 100% at its best that it needs to be to go traipsing around the
wilderness for the summer, let alone make a career out of it [right now]. Mentally turns 29, physically turns 72.
Back-up plan! I’m good with those or at least thinking on my
feet in a time of need. For now, the back-up plan is to continue my nanny endeavors
[even though my contract ends in June] until I figure my life out. That’s it. That’s all
I got. My experience is in working with children. Those little buggers, they’ve
sucked all my energy and will continue to do so for the time being. Besides, I
know my plans will change tomorrow [they always do.] Perhaps that’s my future:
I’ll be the weird, quirky girl always traveling, always trying her hand at a
new career path, always learning, always growing, always changing.
There is beauty in every adventure; big or small, successful
or failed, today or tomorrow, lost or found. Sometimes, you just have to appreciate the
journey along the way and look back and laugh at your silly thoughts. At least
I know will.
