In just a few short days, I'll be headed off to the City of Lights... by myself [again]. Solo, yolo.I have been a solo traveler before; it's rewarding, fulfilling, challenging, scary, and sometimes downright lonely. Normally, I have this brave face and sense of adventure in my back pocket that edges me to the brink of comfort and tips me far enough over so I can learn, grow, and experience life without regret or question. However, as I write this, I can't help but feel a bit of disappointment, anxiety, and bitterness as I sludge through my room and pack for my trip.
This trip was going to be an opportunity of reunion with my bearded nomad; who, I guess, is no longer mine nor bearded. Now, he's just a clean-shaven single guy that has continued on with his passions, interests, and dreams... by himself. We are no longer a dream team, the beautiful nomads, or loving life together. Hello, Paris? Table for one, please.
Elizabeth Gilbert, I finally get you. Sometimes, you have no choice but to eat, pray, and love.
However, this wound hurts different than the others. My friends asked me time and time from the beginning, "Are you OK? What do you need? What can we do?" And my response was stupidly, "I'm fine. Don't worry. We were long-distance; I felt single all year." I promised myself healing would come; still hasn't shown up yet.
I am doing my best to move on. I am keeping busy, doing Yoga, meditating, and focusing on positivity. I have even gone on a few dates. Some went well, others left me with this awful hangover feeling; guilty, uneasy, and self-conscious pity. There were times I had to give myself a pep talk in the bathroom,"YOU ARE A BRIGHT, BEAUTIFUL, CONFIDANT WOMAN. GET YOUR SH*T, TOGETHER."
To which a woman hiding in the stall piped with a "YES, GIRL."
There are so many emotions as I not only prepare for Paris, but also as I pack my entire life into boxes again to head off to London for school. Is this the right decision? Will I be okay? Am I going to make it in the world of business? Will I remain true to my values and ideologies? Ensue panic mode.
The answer is always: YES.
Life will always be filled with trials, disappointments, surprises, and pain. If Hilary Rodham Clinton can graciously accept defeat, I sure as hell can put on my big girl pantsuit and head into a new education field, make new friends, travel, learn, love, and grow all over again. The key is to never stop trying.
Chicago, you have been a love story from the very beginning. You opened my eyes to a world of possibility, adventure, friendship, growth, grace, and most of all, resiliency. Your city streets gave me a renewed sense of curiosity. Your people gave me community. Your sports teams gave me celebration and hope. Your cool, blue waters gave me peace, tranquility, and moments of reflection. Your towers gave me confidence, wonder, and exploration. Your beaches gave me warmth. Your food gave me comfort [and added inches]. Your winters gave me strength and a desire for home.
This is my Exodus. Time for a new beginning and renewed sense of purpose, hope, and life.
"Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again: we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life. " -Jack Kerouac, On the Road
