Beauty of Moving On

My friend posed an interesting question last night: "A year ago, did you ever picture you would be at a rest stop in Korea eating Korean food?"

No, no I didn't. Simply, because a year ago to date, my heart was crushed by a guy I was dating. A year ago, I was devastated. A year ago, I was shell-shocked as to how a guy, who seemed to be 'crazy in love' with me, suddenly stopped those feelings and decided I wasn't good enough for his picturesque lifestyle: being an engineer, getting into the best shape of his life, driving his expensive car, and creating the perfect bachelor pad. A year ago, I was a hot mess.

A year ago, I lost sight of my goals, dreams, passions, and my sense of true beauty. I had no idea what I wanted for myself anymore. I thought I wanted a relationship and true love, but maybe those things were simply coveted because I felt I had to settle down like the rest of my peers. A year ago, I was desperate to be connected. 

I'll be honest, I was jealous half the time my roommates talked about their boyfriends or crushes; perhaps finding love was my way to relate and fit in. Not to mention, there comes a certain social pressure being the eldest child in your family. Even though no one has verbally pressured me to get married or have children, I somehow felt the silenced weight on my shoulders regardless. So, when the world around you seems to be falling in love, your heart begins to wonder when you'll jump on board as well. 

My heart wandered everywhere and anywhere; I went through multiple guy interests, had my heart crushed several times, cried many tears, ate plentiful pints of Ben & Jerry PB Banana frozen yogurt, initiated dates, cancelled dates, made awkward conversation and baked more than enough brownies for boys to put Martha Stewart to shame. My heart wanted love, and it wanted it badly. Little did I know that love just wasn't for me [yet]. Instead, there were dreams to be dreamt, goals to be completed, and adventure to be had.

There is something beautiful about moving on; it demonstrates strength, perseverance, and growth. It shows that you are capable of learning, experiencing, and changing into something bigger than yourself. Moving on is hard and not for the faint of heart. It takes time to pick up all the broken pieces, strength to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, guts to get back on the horse, and willpower to live another day. No one will ever deny your experience of moving on; we have all had our own and know full well just how gruesome it can be. Just keep swimming. Live another day. Get back on that horse. Breathe. It WILL be ok.

But, when you do move on, stop and ask yourself, where was I one year ago today? You will be amazed as to how much you have accomplished, how far you have traveled, and how beautiful your journey has become since taking that first step forward.

I am amazed and ever so grateful for my mama teaching me to be incredibly resilient, fearless, independent, strong, courageous, and curious about my world. Without her own experiences in facing the tough waters, I wouldn't have learned to be such a great swimmer. I am beyond blessed to have such great friends who shared wisdom and encouragement on my rockiest days. I am privileged to have met such amazing people in my life that serve as inspiration, strength, and cheerleaders to chase lofty dreams and pursue my heart's desire: adventure. Without any of you, I would not be on this journey to find and discover beautiful things.

So what, a year ago I didn't think I would be in Korea. A year from now, I can only imagine the adventure that is yet to come. 

And that's just okay with me.

"Miss Jenny, I would do this to the boy who broke your heart." -tighe

Stress & Solitude

There are very few days where I crave solitude. Personality tests have all pointed me towards a classic ambivert: a person who is moderately comfortable in social groups and interactions yet relishes time alone, away from a crowd. Believe me, I am grateful that I am able to demonstrate equality in my personality, but sometimes, the extroversion comes to a screeching halt and I just want to be alone.

I am an artist through and through: I need time to reflect, write, play music, paint, read books or watch movies and express myself through creative outlets. I am not afraid to be alone. I am comfortable yet not too comfortable because Lord knows, there are days where I need people around me, even if I don't even talk or contribute to conversation; just as long as someone is in my presence.

Solitude grants me grace. It allows room for me to be myself and not have others judge me. I can dance as crazily as I want in my apartment, sing to my heart's content [sorry neighbors], laugh, cry, reflect, and restore my inner peace. Solitude encourages me to love myself and nurture my body through eating healthy foods, drinking water, and resting my body and mind [which all has been deprived as of late].

Living abroad has its [many] challenges and I've become burnt out lately. Stress has continually built up in my life to the point where I don't even know how to cope in healthy ways anymore. I feel lost again. My body is weak, malnourished, and dehydrated. There is an unbalance in my emotions, thinking process, and expression. This stress is often the result of being the type of person that gives unconditionally through work and relationships. I listen to my friends without question. I take their problems onto my own shoulders. I put continuous effort into my lesson planning without gratitude or recognition from my superiors. I am a "people pleaser": always thinking of others and not myself. I'm always trying to set boundaries, but I continuously fail.

Don't get me wrong, I love being there for others, but there are days where I just need to think of myself and take care of me. Today was a day where I needed to put myself first. If I'm going to survive the next six tumultuous months of living abroad, I need to take care of my mind, my body, and my soul. There are many changes ahead in work, and my friendships here in Korea and back home. New management at work, new coworkers, friends leaving, missing out on my friends' engagements, weddings, graduations, and babies being born back home. My heart is being pulled in so many directions, I honestly can't keep up. I want to be there for people but I just simply can't. Life moves on without me and it hurts because I know change is inevitable. I fully understand that change is a lifelong process that brings opportunity for learning about others and learning about yourself; how you can continually grow and improve in life. But somedays, change sucks and its okay to be disappointed or frustrated. I'm working on ways to deal with change and accept it without struggle.

Today was a day where I picked up my guitar and wrote some songs, I napped, read a few books, walked in the park to reflect, and I made myself a healthy meal to jump start a day of healing my body and soul. Today was about me and I didn't feel guilty. Today, I needed solitude to erase the stress, rejuvenate, and replenish. Solitude brought reflection on the current changes in my life and how I can cope in healthy ways. Solitude awakened my need to dance and enjoy life.

Solitude brought out the beauty in me.

“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, ‘Self-Reliance’