Pick me, please.

The more I put myself out there, the more vulnerable I feel. Open, exposed, and raw for the world to see. I feel as though I am a patient laying atop a table in surgery; my guts spilling out of their once encased and safe cavity. If there is one thing I hate in life, it is being rejected. I don't like dating, job interviews, or other life events where I will be turned away. I don't like putting myself out there as it is, let alone waiting for another human being to validate me.

I'm waiting for someone to determine my worth not only in romance but now my career. 29 years old, still single, no children, unclear career goals and now recently unemployed. Talk about vulnerability. I had two job offers in the last week which I [foolishly] turned down in order to hold out for the right job. Both jobs would have at least been a source of income, yet I couldn't envision myself 100% happy. My issue is that I am tired of accepting jobs where I don't feel fulfilled or where I can't grow with the company. So, I'm extremely picky as to which company I give my heart out to these days. I'm just hoping I don't get screwed over in the process.

I thought I found my dream job last week. I interviewed and felt as though it was the job for me. It was the job where I could feel my heart tingle. I haven't even felt like that on a date. I'm not sure when an opportunity like that will come again in my life, so I am freaking out while waiting to see if I am the top candidate. I haven't heard a single word from them. I emailed them a generic thank-you letter and sent a more genuine handwritten note [just in case] in order to drive the point home that I am the best candidate for the job. Waiting is always the hardest part in any sort of life event such as this. It's hard enough in dating, let alone a job search and post-interview. Perhaps everyone is accustomed to the 3-day waiting rule? Keeping a lady in waiting seems rude.

"Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!" I just want to scream from the mountain tops that I am their person. I'm intelligent, quick-witted, hard-working, adaptable, funny, and adventurous. I know my worth! My self-esteem is at a healthy level [I worked hard to get here]. Why can't everyone [prospective employers] see that? I pace the living room. I bite my fingernails. I pray to the heavens that someone will just pick up the phone, dial my number, and excitedly offer me back to the office for another interview, dance a little in the office, and then ask me to be their #1 girl while holding a bouquet of my favorite flowers. Is that too hard to ask of the world? Have I used up all my karma?

Am I crazy?

All of the above.

Beauty of Humility

As I'm on the brink of my fifth week of being unemployed, I can't help but slam my head against my keyboard and wave my white flag of surrender to the economic world.

I fold, you win.

Granted, this is the first time I have ever gone longer than two weeks being unemployed; it still sucks. I can't imagine those who have gone three months or more unemployed. While teaching abroad in Korea was an incredible experience that pushed me to grow and become more aware of my self, it sadly holds little to no pull here in the American world. There are few jobs or positions that squeal with excitement as I retell my experiences managing the teaching, cultural, and social stressors of living abroad in a foreign country. As I recall my love for kimchi and gamjatang (spicy pork spine soup), my future employers stare at me in bewilderment as they graciously check "no" on my application. [I'm exaggerating to an extent but can't help but think as that is what goes through their minds].

Case in point: Go back to school, get a Master's, put yourself into thousands of dollars of debt, then revisit the application process in two years or more. Well, I tried that and was wait-listed, so.....

For those of us who abhor the thought of stepping foot on campus again or diving into a sludge pool of debt, we can't help but outcry to the limited employment opportunities we are left to face. Don't get me wrong, I believe in the continuity of education and value the process of lifelong learning, however, I also believe that higher education [university] isn't the only way to learn and shouldn't be a precursor to quality employment. For a country that was founded on blue-collar employment, [factories, lumber yards, steel factories, shipping, construction] we have sure come a long way to creating high [unattainable] standards in the employment world. For example, I can remember a time where it was extremely easy to get a job in the restaurant industry as a server, but now most restaurants require that you have 2-3 years experience in fine dining. It's the ever infamous catch-22 situation: in order to get a job, you must demonstrate experience yet that is exactly why you are applying in the first place; to build experience.

I'm learning to be humble, patient, dependent, resourceful, and diligent. If anything is building my character, it is applying to job after job, fighting with the unemployment office, sharing my experiences and qualities with potential employers, and remaining hopeful that there in fact is a job out there for me.

[F]unemployment is not exactly fun; it is an arduous process that forces you to re-evaluate your skills and personality. It keeps you cooped up in your apartment or the nearest Starbucks for hours. It forces you to become a penny-pincher; I don't know how many times I've searched for loose change in the sofa or underneath my bed to just pay for my bus tickets to my interviews. It encourages you to rely on your faith and ability to remain positive and hopeful. It pushes you to network more. It stimulates creativity when your finances are running low and you need to make a few extra dollars to hold you over. It allows you to explore your neighborhood and build community with your neighbors. [What else am I going to do besides watch Netflix?] It's a process and I'm learning.

It's sorta fun; it keeps me humble.