I am an artist through and through: I need time to reflect, write, play music, paint, read books or watch movies and express myself through creative outlets. I am not afraid to be alone. I am comfortable yet not too comfortable because Lord knows, there are days where I need people around me, even if I don't even talk or contribute to conversation; just as long as someone is in my presence.
Solitude grants me grace. It allows room for me to be myself and not have others judge me. I can dance as crazily as I want in my apartment, sing to my heart's content [sorry neighbors], laugh, cry, reflect, and restore my inner peace. Solitude encourages me to love myself and nurture my body through eating healthy foods, drinking water, and resting my body and mind [which all has been deprived as of late].
Living abroad has its [many] challenges and I've become burnt out lately. Stress has continually built up in my life to the point where I don't even know how to cope in healthy ways anymore. I feel lost again. My body is weak, malnourished, and dehydrated. There is an unbalance in my emotions, thinking process, and expression. This stress is often the result of being the type of person that gives unconditionally through work and relationships. I listen to my friends without question. I take their problems onto my own shoulders. I put continuous effort into my lesson planning without gratitude or recognition from my superiors. I am a "people pleaser": always thinking of others and not myself. I'm always trying to set boundaries, but I continuously fail.
Don't get me wrong, I love being there for others, but there are days where I just need to think of myself and take care of me. Today was a day where I needed to put myself first. If I'm going to survive the next six tumultuous months of living abroad, I need to take care of my mind, my body, and my soul. There are many changes ahead in work, and my friendships here in Korea and back home. New management at work, new coworkers, friends leaving, missing out on my friends' engagements, weddings, graduations, and babies being born back home. My heart is being pulled in so many directions, I honestly can't keep up. I want to be there for people but I just simply can't. Life moves on without me and it hurts because I know change is inevitable. I fully understand that change is a lifelong process that brings opportunity for learning about others and learning about yourself; how you can continually grow and improve in life. But somedays, change sucks and its okay to be disappointed or frustrated. I'm working on ways to deal with change and accept it without struggle.
Today was a day where I picked up my guitar and wrote some songs, I napped, read a few books, walked in the park to reflect, and I made myself a healthy meal to jump start a day of healing my body and soul. Today was about me and I didn't feel guilty. Today, I needed solitude to erase the stress, rejuvenate, and replenish. Solitude brought reflection on the current changes in my life and how I can cope in healthy ways. Solitude awakened my need to dance and enjoy life.
Solitude brought out the beauty in me.
 |
|
