#worldmess

A few weeks ago, an eccentric bearded Southern gentleman wearing a backwards baseball cap and what appeared to be a 9mm in his waistband became fed up with one of the largest American corporations (now worldwide) all because the design from his coffee cup no longer promoted his cookie-cutter idea of 'Christmas.' [Ensue outrage].

Apparently, this #1 corporation hates Christmas AND Christians.

Apparently, snowmen and ornaments represent Christ and a prominent world religion.

Apparently, tricking overworked baristas into writing 'Merry Christmas' on blank red cups is a leading example of the man who befriended the underdogs of society and often led people to mountains to hear his morsels of Truth.

Apparently, carrying (and not so much concealing) a weapon is going to tell others that there is a greater hope, love, and mercy from a God whose heart breaks for His people. [so man could fight the Dinosaurs and homosexuals].

Apparently, thousands of 'Christians' don't even stand by this man's actions or words, and they are simply "embarrassed" on behalf of his misleading representation of what it means to be a true follower of Christ. Many simply shook their heads and turned the other way. We casually jest one another, "Oh that guy is nuts" (he doesn't speak for ALL Christians nor does he accurately represent Christianity).

Why, then, do we hold such objections for the Syrian refugees (and alike) who are trying to escape a horrific society of violence and oppression from a few crazed individuals misrepresenting their culture and religion? [An extremist organization branching from a religious concept does not make all who practice Islam terrorists or a nation threat].

Why do we hold our noses in the air and close our borders, our homes, and our hearts because people are 'different' from the American dream and perhaps will destroy that precious facade of what it means to be a "American?"

Why are we trying to pretend that we are such an elite, pious, God-fearing country when our actions are screaming otherwise? Do you not understand the foundation of our country? Did you fall asleep in American History 101? [It's okay, most people do]

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I'm sorry, do you see anywhere in those lines that life is only for Christians....
only for white people
only for the upper class
only for the educated
only for those with homes
only for those with insurance
only for the ____________. 

These refugees (Syrian, Ethiopian, Kenyan, Somalian, etc) need life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

We all started as immigrants, foreigners, strangers, revolutionists (unless you have Native roots) seeking freedom, liberty, and new beginning. This land was not ours. We stole. We killed. We fought for what didn't belong to us. As of result, we have now become the super secret club of kids sitting high in a tree house making fun of anyone else who doesn't fit our idealized expectations of citizenship.


Shame on you, America. Shame on you, Christians. Shame on me. 

While I realize our immigration policies need thorough oversight and change; I simply don't think think deducting our logic to Refugees = Islam, Islam =ISIS/or Terrorists therefore Refugees = Islamic Terrorists is any better solution. To make such [idiotic] deduction would be to cheapen the lives of people merely escaping a world of hatred, confusion, and abuse.

"To cheapen the lives of any group of men, cheapens the lives of all men, even our own. This is a law of psychology, or human nature. And it will not be repealed by our wishes, nor will it be merciful to our blindness."
-William Pickens

The dinosaurs had it right, they got the hell out because they knew 'people' would run the world into the dirt. 

Voice

To the voice within,
I hear you deeply in the night.
Reminding me of this space,
I share alone.

Voice, it tells me;
You'll be here forever,
reaching out to an empty arms,
speaking words no ears will hear,
loving a heart that will not beat in return;
running past the familiar,
drowning in a sea of vast depths,
sinking.

Voice, I cry;
will you let me reach out with open arms,
will you let me speak the words,
will you let me love anyway;
I let my feet touch the earth in rapid motion,
I let my arms push through waters in strength,
I push myself to collapse on warm sand, safe from sea.

Voice,
You have been heard.
My heart remains open;
hopeful for tomorrow,
grateful for yesterday,
fully aware and present today.

Effort

"Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty... I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well." --Theodore Roosevelt

Lately, I've been pushing myself to stop being so lazy.

Unemployment hit this girl hard; eating healthy, exercising, and reducing stress all became non-existent. I became unmotivated and stopped caring about the world because I was tired of feeling like I'm constantly in pursuit of something bigger, better, and more adventurous. 

There is a difference in battling unemployment when your life path wanders aimlessly versus distinctly already knowing your life purpose and calling. If you know you were absolutely created to be an architect, engineer, nurse, doctor, fill-in-the-blank career choice, you rest a bit more easily when your job ends because you know the exact field to begin your anticipated job search. While you still fluidly move through the emotions of panic, stress, and uneasiness as to how you will budget and afford this moment of uncertainty, there is a teensy-weensy morsel of relief still waiting in the background.

This morsel of relief was nowhere to be found in my search for employment because I was grasping onto my continuous doubts of 'what shall I be when I grow up?'

People have often made remarks as to how they envy my "adventurous life," and how they wished they could just drop their adult responsibilities and travel the world. [You can do this at any time in your life; it's just a sacrifice]. Funny thing is, I envy those very people who make the conscious decision to be a "grown-up." I use this term very loosely because when do we ever really grow up? 

However you choose to view the term "grown-up," there are responsibilities and adult milestones I wish I could just settle down and accomplish already: pick a job, be financially stable [again, loosely interpreted], own a car [I love public transport/biking but also love the grocery store], own/build my own house, get married, and have a baby [my brother keeps reminding me...].

To those of you who have proudly accomplished these, I applaud you wholeheartedly. 

There is beauty in making an effort, working hard, and/or discipline. As I have been slowly making changes in my life, I am realizing fully how awesome it is to cook my own food, to push myself to visit the gym daily [even if just for a Yoga class], and to be more aware of my surroundings [enjoying the scenery on the train vs staring at my iPhone]. I feel more energetic and wholesome when I force myself to make healthy, nutritious meals for the day vs. grabbing Jimmy John's or a slice of pizza [I still love you]. There's a satisfying feeling when you stand back from what you created in the kitchen.

People can mock me all they want when I post foodgrams of my meals. I feel proud for my sense of hard work and effort. I want to inspire others that eating healthy and taking care of yourself is a beautiful process that does require hard work and effort but the results pay off. It's certainly not because I'm bored, vain, or self-absorbed. Rather, it's a creative effort that I'm engaging in to share and inspire. I want you to feel good about yourself and be inspired by the unlimited food options out there. Healthy is a lifestyle, not some quick fix, pill, or powder that will magically erase our bad choices.

We have become a nation of quick fixes and pure laziness. We will try countless fads, diets, pills and powders, what-have-you to replace hard work, effort, and good ol' fashioned discipline. My grandpa always warned me about shortcuts and laziness. If I wanted something, I had to work hard to get it. A man of principle and strong work ethic; he was a part of a lumber yard for many years. He came from a generation where they built things with their own hands, got down on their hands and knees to clean, and worked until the late evening to bring home the paycheck. I admire him and the effort he put in to feed my dad and his 5 rowdy siblings, put a humble roof over their heads, and clothes on their backs. This hard work mentality and ethic needs to resurface in our society. I'm forever grateful for the lessons my grandparents and parents passed onto me. It has taught me to be more mindful in my life and to realize the beauty in a hard day's work.

Sure, it took me an hour and some minutes in order to prepare my lunch today. But, I had fun and the results were amazing and delicious. Definitely a better choice for my body than some equally tasting Philly-cheese steak sammie from a food truck across the street from my office [damn you]. Do I still cheat and take short-cuts? Of course, I'm human and I do appreciate the art of indulgence from time to time. But, if I discipline myself to make better choices 90% of the time, then that 10% feels more like a reward than guilt.

Today's reward: Baked Tofu | Baked Nectarines | Tomato & Cucumber Salad

Baked Tofu
-Wrap a block of extra-firm tofu in flour-sack towel, place between two plates and put a stack of cookbooks on top.
-Prepare marinade:

• 1 tbs soy sauce
• 1 tbs olive oil
• 1/4 cup citrus juice (I did a lemon/orange combo)
• 2-3 packets of duck sauce (Thanks Chinese restaurant)
• 2-3 cloves garlic
• 2 tsp grated ginger

-Cut tofu block into 1/4 thick slices (12 total) and place in marinade overnight


Next day:
-Bake tofu at 450 degrees for 15 minutes, flip and brush marinade on tofu then bake for 10 mins
-Flip tofu again after 10 mins, brush marinade on tofu and then bake for 5 mins
-Burnt edges are okay :)

Baked Nectarines
-Cut 4 nectarines of choice in half (I use a spoon to help pry the skin from the pit)
-Drizzle honey on top and season with choice of spices (Cinnamon, sugar, poppy seeds, vanilla, etc)
-Bake at 450 degrees for 15-20 minutes
-Garnish and enjoy :)

Tomato & Cucumber Salad
-Dice 1 cucumber into 1/4 pieces
-Slice grape tomatoes in half
-Combine cucumber and tomatoes together with 1 tbs olive oil
-Season with fresh basil, salt, pepper
-Top with feta crumbles

Community

The need for connection and community is primal, as fundamental as the need for food, air, and water.
-Dean Ornish

As I'm preparing myself for countless job interviews, I have been learning a great deal about myself. Nothing like unemployment to allow for further introspection and rediscovery. As a former Psych student, I know my personality like the back of my hand: (E)/(I)NF(P)/(J). Man, did I love the semester where we studied personality exclusively. My nerdy little heart nearly burst in excitement.

To those of you scratching your head in bewilderment or if you have never taken a Meyers-Briggs personality test, let me explain my personality in depth:

Jen is community focused. She receives her energy from people around her yet has introverted qualities and sometimes needs a breather to relax. She prefers hiking, camping, and outdoorsy activities solo. She enjoys a good party and can socialize with others but craves intimacy, deep, and meaningful conversation with people 1:1. Jen is very intuitive. She can deeply empathize and sense what others are feeling around her. Sometimes, this can create chaos in her friendships or relationships because she knows when there is a problem and will seek to find an answer even though she was unasked. There are times where she feels people are mad at her or she did something wrong [even if untrue].

She likes to push boundaries, not because she is insensitive, because she desperately wants to fix things.... she is a helper, a fixer, a healer. She would search the ends of the earth to find a solution for her loved ones. Therefore, when her loved ones are in pain, she deeply feels the pain as well. Jen struggles with decision-making; there are times where she can fluently make decisions by logical reasoning and analysis, other times she would just prefer to not choose as she values both ends of the spectrum.

Jen fights for the underdog; she is impassioned, brave, courageous, spontaneous, carefree, spirited, and full of wanderlust. Jen thrives on adventure and dislikes monotony. She finds enjoyment in a variety of activities, hobbies, and interests... which leads to her inability to concretely pick a career path.

She is a campaigner; she advocates for all. [Find your personality/cute info-graphic cartoon here]

Jen simply wants: community.

I've come to accept it: I'm an ENFP who is just unpredictable and switches invariably with my energy and perception of the world. I'm fluid; a river wandering through the Earth that can change kinetic energy, direction, velocity, water flow rate, and discharge from start to finish. Rivers are a unique geographical feature of the Earth. Just as a river follow a path of least resistance; so do I as I approach life.

My life in Chicago has been lacking the exact thing I'm in a constant state of pursuit: community. I need people in my life. As a nanny, I am continuously investing in my "littles" and their families, but I can't exactly ask my employers to constantly hang out or go to coffee with me. Life changes you as you become married and you fill your home with children. They have different priorities; I've accepted this truth as most of my closest friends are married and on their third child now. My roommates are never home; they are busy working, dating, or fulfilling their own paths. I usually connect with them once in awhile as well as with other friends on an individual basis. Now, I am completely content with connecting with them individually as that is what my introverted heart prefers 70% of the time but I also can't neglect that 30% of my heart that longs to be a part of something.

While I lived in Korea, I was downright spoiled. I had community. It wasn't an easy search in the beginning, as making new friends in your ripe old age of late 20's isn't a natural task. However, over time, I built a wonderful, tight-knit community of fellow teachers and expats where we had one thing in common: we were all displaced from our homes [near and far]. We bonded over being expats, then teachers, then insert your common hobby here [_____]. We built a life together, became each other's families; a community of wild-eyed adventurers tackling Korea together. Then I packed up my suitcase because I saw life moving quickly before my eyes back home: siblings graduating, friends getting married, friends having babies, loved ones moving, everything changing without me. 

Now I'm in Chicago. With any adventure of mine, it hasn't been easy. This city has definitely eaten me up and spit me out on the pavement. As I reflect on my time here, I can't but help think, why on Earth did I move here? Your community is back home. Your people are not here. Why would you forsake everything you came back home for in order to begin a new life in Chicago? As I've said before, I struggle wholeheartedly with the decision making process. I always second-guess my so-called intuition and it bites me in the ass. [Just ask me about my multiple lock-outs and loss of licenses because I second guessed myself]. My wanderlust kicked in and saw an opportunity for a new journey, so naturally I packed up and headed for Chicago.

Change is hard to accept. As I'm on my path for [another] soul-searching endeavor, I need to accept that people change; they move away, they get married, they have babies, they evolve, grow, and find new paths. Regardless of the miles, I will always have my Korean community, my Minneapolis community, and soon to be my Chicago community. I need to look at it with new [fresh] perspective. I need to spend more time looking inward as to how I can change to keep up with my community.

As I reflect on being home for nearly a year now, I've set some new goals for myself.

1. Become a part of a Yoga community-  I've found an Ashram where I'm excited to seek out meditation, relaxation, and a healthy lifestyle. I'll be slowly changing my eating habits and eradicating unhealthy foods/drinks that have been polluting my body.
2. Run for enjoyment- While living in Korea, there was an amazing path/wooded lake area that I miss but I hope to find that same enjoyment while running through some of Chicago's parks. I hope to not focus on weight loss like I have in the past but simply enjoying the sound of my foot hitting the pavement and building a natural rhythm.
3. Read more- I've unfortunately developed what I call "screen induced ADHD." Quite simply: I spend too much time looking at my phone and less time picking up a real book. Because the internet has condensed everything for us in 180 characters or less, we have unfortunately built this habit of skimming things and not paying 100% to the words or content.
4. Adopt a dog- A lot of my friends have shared the emotional and psychological benefits of having a pet [more so a dog]. I miss having a four-legged friend in my life, and I feel that the act of caring for something else besides myself could be beneficial and self-soothing at the same time. Of course, my responsible side kicked in and has made finding a job my #1 priority, but a dog comes in as my #2 priority.
5. Volunteer- "I believe that to meet the challenge of our times, human beings will have to develop a greater sense of universal responsibility. We must all learn to work not just for our own self, family, or nation but for the benefit of all humankind. Universal responsibility is the key to human survival. It is the best foundation for world peace, the equitable use of natural resources, and through concern for future generations, the proper care of the environment."- The Dalai Lama

So, Mom, you were right: I do need to get out, be active, and volunteer.

Pick me, please.

The more I put myself out there, the more vulnerable I feel. Open, exposed, and raw for the world to see. I feel as though I am a patient laying atop a table in surgery; my guts spilling out of their once encased and safe cavity. If there is one thing I hate in life, it is being rejected. I don't like dating, job interviews, or other life events where I will be turned away. I don't like putting myself out there as it is, let alone waiting for another human being to validate me.

I'm waiting for someone to determine my worth not only in romance but now my career. 29 years old, still single, no children, unclear career goals and now recently unemployed. Talk about vulnerability. I had two job offers in the last week which I [foolishly] turned down in order to hold out for the right job. Both jobs would have at least been a source of income, yet I couldn't envision myself 100% happy. My issue is that I am tired of accepting jobs where I don't feel fulfilled or where I can't grow with the company. So, I'm extremely picky as to which company I give my heart out to these days. I'm just hoping I don't get screwed over in the process.

I thought I found my dream job last week. I interviewed and felt as though it was the job for me. It was the job where I could feel my heart tingle. I haven't even felt like that on a date. I'm not sure when an opportunity like that will come again in my life, so I am freaking out while waiting to see if I am the top candidate. I haven't heard a single word from them. I emailed them a generic thank-you letter and sent a more genuine handwritten note [just in case] in order to drive the point home that I am the best candidate for the job. Waiting is always the hardest part in any sort of life event such as this. It's hard enough in dating, let alone a job search and post-interview. Perhaps everyone is accustomed to the 3-day waiting rule? Keeping a lady in waiting seems rude.

"Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!" I just want to scream from the mountain tops that I am their person. I'm intelligent, quick-witted, hard-working, adaptable, funny, and adventurous. I know my worth! My self-esteem is at a healthy level [I worked hard to get here]. Why can't everyone [prospective employers] see that? I pace the living room. I bite my fingernails. I pray to the heavens that someone will just pick up the phone, dial my number, and excitedly offer me back to the office for another interview, dance a little in the office, and then ask me to be their #1 girl while holding a bouquet of my favorite flowers. Is that too hard to ask of the world? Have I used up all my karma?

Am I crazy?

All of the above.

Beauty of Humility

As I'm on the brink of my fifth week of being unemployed, I can't help but slam my head against my keyboard and wave my white flag of surrender to the economic world.

I fold, you win.

Granted, this is the first time I have ever gone longer than two weeks being unemployed; it still sucks. I can't imagine those who have gone three months or more unemployed. While teaching abroad in Korea was an incredible experience that pushed me to grow and become more aware of my self, it sadly holds little to no pull here in the American world. There are few jobs or positions that squeal with excitement as I retell my experiences managing the teaching, cultural, and social stressors of living abroad in a foreign country. As I recall my love for kimchi and gamjatang (spicy pork spine soup), my future employers stare at me in bewilderment as they graciously check "no" on my application. [I'm exaggerating to an extent but can't help but think as that is what goes through their minds].

Case in point: Go back to school, get a Master's, put yourself into thousands of dollars of debt, then revisit the application process in two years or more. Well, I tried that and was wait-listed, so.....

For those of us who abhor the thought of stepping foot on campus again or diving into a sludge pool of debt, we can't help but outcry to the limited employment opportunities we are left to face. Don't get me wrong, I believe in the continuity of education and value the process of lifelong learning, however, I also believe that higher education [university] isn't the only way to learn and shouldn't be a precursor to quality employment. For a country that was founded on blue-collar employment, [factories, lumber yards, steel factories, shipping, construction] we have sure come a long way to creating high [unattainable] standards in the employment world. For example, I can remember a time where it was extremely easy to get a job in the restaurant industry as a server, but now most restaurants require that you have 2-3 years experience in fine dining. It's the ever infamous catch-22 situation: in order to get a job, you must demonstrate experience yet that is exactly why you are applying in the first place; to build experience.

I'm learning to be humble, patient, dependent, resourceful, and diligent. If anything is building my character, it is applying to job after job, fighting with the unemployment office, sharing my experiences and qualities with potential employers, and remaining hopeful that there in fact is a job out there for me.

[F]unemployment is not exactly fun; it is an arduous process that forces you to re-evaluate your skills and personality. It keeps you cooped up in your apartment or the nearest Starbucks for hours. It forces you to become a penny-pincher; I don't know how many times I've searched for loose change in the sofa or underneath my bed to just pay for my bus tickets to my interviews. It encourages you to rely on your faith and ability to remain positive and hopeful. It pushes you to network more. It stimulates creativity when your finances are running low and you need to make a few extra dollars to hold you over. It allows you to explore your neighborhood and build community with your neighbors. [What else am I going to do besides watch Netflix?] It's a process and I'm learning.

It's sorta fun; it keeps me humble.

Saying No

I've recently discovered the beauty of saying "No" in my life. No is a beautiful word. It releases energy in a cathartic way, almost as if giving the world your middle finger. It's empowering, refreshing, and releasing. It sets boundaries for you, reminding you that you simply don't have to do what it is people are demanding. Instead, it pushes you towards maintaining a standard for your wants, desires, and needs. It's okay to be selfish. Do what you want, you're a grown-up.

I've learned the beauty of saying "No" to my job, relationships, and my own thoughts. Not today! Instead of stressing myself out beyond than what I deserve; I took a mini-vacation. Granted, I just had a vacation three weeks ago; I now realize that I really need to amp my retirement plan and just not work for the rest of my life, however, this mini-vacation was unexpected. Perhaps even undeserved, but it was definitely needed for my sanity, emotional health, and physical well-being. Babies are hard work, y'all. Especially ones who are naturally stubborn, restless, and teething. Motherhood doesn't seem so appealing as of late, regardless, I just had to say "NO" to work [and life] a week ago. I know my limits and I needed to say "No" otherwise I wouldn't have been the best caretaker for Mr. H.  

This mini-vacation was brought on by a breakup that came out of nowhere. We were smiling one minute, crying the next. To preserve respect of said ex-boyfriend, I won't get into details, but he apparently had WAY too much baggage for our love train. Now, it's all aboard the single train [yet again]. Life can be messy, raw, and unpredictable. Love can be even messier, more raw, and even more unpredictable. What's important is that sometimes, it just isn't your fault. Sometimes, it IS them, not you. Sometimes, they do need to be alone in order to heal their pain. This loss was needed; I realized I was settling for less than what I deserved. I needed him to say "NO" because I wasn't saying it for myself.

I've been exploring my spirituality in different outlets as of lately. I've been exploring God through forms of meditation, Yoga, chakra therapy, worship, and writing. He's met me in every place. I've become more in tune with my body, energy, and healing the very icky parts that need attention, such as standing up for myself, setting healthy boundaries, developing emotional awareness, and building solid interpersonal relationships based on trust, community, and love. Apparently my energy has been blocked in the areas of interpersonal relationships, communication, self-expression, and the freedom to be myself. It's been a very rocky process. I've startled many people by abruptly saying, "No, I just can't be present in this conversation," or simply telling them how I really feel. I'm trying to be as graceful as I can, but often, it just tumbles out of my mouth like word vomit. Yet, I would much rather offer my honest yet raw feedback than silently slip into the back. I realize that while I may be a strong woman, I hate confrontation. I don't like resolving conflict. I hate to admit I am wrong. I hate being weak. These may be faults of mine, but I'm becoming more aware by saying "No" so that I can start healing.

What if we were all more honest with one another instead of holding things in and silently suffer? I guarantee you our relationship and community with one another would be more authentic, real, honest, valuable, and more meaningful.

Does this mean that the next time we talk with another I am going to be the world's biggest jerk, say NO! and hang up the phone or walk away? No, of course not. But, I can say that I will be more present, aware, and in tune with our conversation and offer you honesty, trust, love, and as much compassion as my little heart can offer. If you show me grace, I will return it. I'm a work in progress, but aren't we all?

Standards. Keep them, memorize them, write them on your heart so that you may remind yourself time and time again; "You is smart, you is kind, you is important." 
Say "No" so that others won't have to.